What Every Girl Should Know

Geplaatst op 08-05-2026

Categorie: Lifestyle

Back in the comment section of the What Every Girl Should Know post, a commenter asked:

So what was it about Mr. Bbman that …. was right. Did you learn to communicate better or did you two, together, communicate and understand each other better? Is it all you, all them, the two of you together or (I have a guess) it is a mixture of all three?

I’m going to have to answer this in a series of posts, because it is a mixture of all three. Let’s start with how I learned to communicate better.

Communication Fit

In terms of general communication I’m friendly, easy to talk to, and a good listener. But I keep most of my real and deep feelings to myself, and only share them with people I trust. (I have friends, both male and female, who blurt out exactly what they think as soon as they think them, no matter what. Completely unfiltered. That’s never going to be me.) These traits didn’t help with the three basic type of guys I dated over the course of my blessedly short dating career: The Dreads, the Peds, and the WhatEvs.

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The Dreads

The Dreads were guys who used Dread Game tactics. Most of this happened in my late teens, so the relationship stakes weren’t high, but the emotional ones were and left lasting marks. Dread tactics worked on me for several reasons. Primarily because I knew how to interact with this style of male communication: moodiness, sullen, withdrawn one day, really nice and attentive another. This was my father’s communication style, and in my childhood our house revolved around his moods. I grew up having to constantly check the emotional temperature of the house and act accordingly. Our family never openly discussed these moods, because talking about feelings was not big in our home, either.

Another reason Dread worked on me was because it was exciting. The chase was heady and addictive. Would he call? Yes, he called! Is he going to notice me when I’m around? No, he doesn’t notice me. Oh wait, three days later he IS noticing me…just when I was through noticing him. And a week later we go out and we have a great time…and then the next time he sees me he ignores me. Rinse and repeat.

But by the time I got into my early 20′s, Dread interactions started to get old, and dealing with Dread was taking its toll. Mainly, I noticed that I felt like crap after I’d hung out with a Dread guy. If  he was rude, or impolite, or mean to me, who was I to tell him to behave differently? I’d measure my personal worth against his treatment of me. If he was nice, then I was worthwhile. If he was ignored me, then I must have done something wrong. And if I’m not worthwhile, then sharing real feelings would be pointless, because a Dread is going to move on, rather than change. I was too young and dumb to risk that—not knowing they’d move on, anyway.

I finally realized that dating Dreads was not going to lead to real love—at least the kind that I needed. Although my father could be moody, he also had integrity, reliability, and worked hard to provide for his family. I always knew that he loved us, and I trusted him. The Dread guys didn’t show any of these characteristics. I slowly began to see that if I wanted a worthy, loving relationship, then I had to pick guys who would show those other characteristics as well.

By the time I got into my early 20′s, I had no tolerance for Dread at all.

The Peds

On the opposite end of the spectrum were the Peds—guys who totally put me up on a pedestal. Of course in direct contrast to the Dreads, they treated me very well. But In some ways it was harder to have a meaningful relationship with a Ped. They didn’t deal with me as a real entity: they had ideas of who I was based on how I made them feel. I could do no wrong—or if I did, they wouldn’t tell me. Instead of managing my feelings, I had to manage theirs. I had to be careful what I said, or how I put things, because they could get hurt, fast. This was much more exhausting for me. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth or patience to manage someone else’s feelings. I’m not good at it. So I would hold back on what I really felt or needed to spare their feelings. We would both be too nice, and if there were difficulties it would be hard to talk about, and nothing would change. I was not a long-term relationship fit for a Ped. And when I was young, I was too immature to realize that sparing feelings and not being honest would be more hurtful in the long run.

The WhatEvs

And then there were the WhatEvs. These were just dates—dinner, movie, etc. I was not good at this. Communication with these guys was insignificant because it never got beyond the surface.

Not on my list of guys are Players. I stayed away from them. They were totally out of my league, and I was completely aware of it. If a guy was a Player, he wasn’t even on my radar as anything viable.

The Take Away

Ironically, by the time I had gathered this knowledge, I’d given up on dating. But I did know how I would communicate differently if I ever got into another relationship:

Looked like a tough order. I was sure I wouldn’t find it, but I wasn’t going to settle for anything less.

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